Two Penny Saga: Mary's Strange Addiction

 My friend Tamanya suggested this first line to me.  I wrote for five minutes.  This is what I got.  (If any of you have any more suggestions for prompts please let me know.) 

 She knew she shouldn't have eaten that much glitter. But she had no idea it would turn out like this.

Adam said he taught third grade so Mary figured that was why he had a bag of rainbow glitter lying under the table on his back patio.  Mary grabbed the bag, scooped out a glob of the glitter and smeared it on her tongue.

“I hope you like red wine!”  Adam called from the kitchen. 

Mary dropped the bag under the table and turned.  Adam strode from the kitchen with that perfect smile of his.  He was the first legitimately nice guy she had ever met and-

Mary started to rise up off the picnic table.

“Shit!”  She grabbed onto the table and pulled herself down. 

“Mary!”  Adam shouted.  “Did you eat my fairy dust?”

“I thought it was glitter!” 

“Why would you eat it if you thought it was glitter?”

“I-.”  Mary stared at the deck.  “I have a problem.  Ever since I was four I’ve had this compulsive urge to eat glitter.  No one else knows about it.  You must think I’m a freak.”

“No!”  Adam sat down on the bench and took her hands.  “You’re not a freak!  I wish you’d told me about this sooner but I still love you!”

“You do!”  The happy thought shot Mary into the air.  She was a mile above the earth before she realized that she needed to suppress her happy thoughts.  “Grandma’s funeral!” she shouted.  “My parent’s divorce!  Putting down Scruffy my dog!” 

She dropped out of the sky like an anvil. 

“Adam Loves me!”  She rocketed up again.  “Putting down Scruffy!”  She started to drop. 

She went back and forth shouting “Adam Loves me….Putting down Scruffy….Adam loves me….Putting down Scruffy….” All they way down to the earth. 

Two Penny Saga: Slimy Awakening

My friend Jon R suggested this first line to me.  I wrote for five minutes.  This is what I got.  (If any of you have any more suggestions for prompts please let me know.) 

Sara sat up with beads forming at her brow. Her dream was slipping as they often did - like words do in the wind. But this was different...

In her dream she had been floating through the ocean with thousands of others like her but they hadn't been human.  There had also been something else in the dream she needed to remember.  

Sara sat up in bed but when she tried to pull back the blanket she didn't have any fingers to grip it with.  All she had was a fat seaweed-colored tentacle.   

Sara screamed and thrashed back the blankets. 

"What's wrong?"  David murmured next to her. 

"Nothing!"  Sara tucked the tentacle under her.  "Just a bad dream.  Go back to sleep."

"You okay babe?"

"Everything's fine!"  Sara jumped out of bed and crashed onto the floor.  Her legs couldn't support her.

"Sara!"

"Just go back to bed, David!"  She crawled into the bathroom and kicked the door shut.

In the glow from the streetlight outside Sara could see two squirming tentacles slithering out of her pajama pant legs.  She pulled herself up onto the counter and looked into the mirror.  Her face was covered in deep green scales.

"Sara!  What's going on?" David threw the door open and turned on the lights.  He crouched down next to her.  "Oh God what happened?  Sara?"

Sara didn't respond.  She was too busy staring at the orange beak sticking out of his face.    

Two Penny Saga: That Jerk in the Bar

My friend, Fox, suggested this first line to me.  I wrote for five minutes.  This is what I got.  (If any of you have any more suggestions for prompts please let me know.)

 

Jackson wasn't sure about many things in life, but of this he was absolutely certain: he didn't like the cut of that Canadian's jib.

The guy had one of those faces where you just knew he was an asshole.  The fact that he had his arm around Jackson’s ex didn’t help either. 

Jackson pushed his way across the bar and shoved the Canadian in the shoulder.

“What?” the Canadian snapped. 

“You….that….”  Jackson was trying to form a straight thought but that last shot of Jagermeister was clogging his brain.  He finally managed to blurt, “I don’t like you!” 

“Fantastic.”  The Canadian said, drank his beer and squeezed Jackson’s ex even tighter. 

Jackson shoved him again.  “I really don’t like you!” 

“So what’re you gonna do about it, runt?” the Canadian snarled. 

“I’m gonna fight you!  Eh!”    

Twenty seconds later there was a maple leaf shaped gash in the middle of Jackson’s forehead and his friends were hauling him into the street.  “I’m gonna pound his ass all the way back to Juneau!”  Jackson screamed before passing out. 

His friends considered taking him to the hospital but remembered it was dollar shot night at the bar across the street.  They left Jackson in the parking lot figuring he would find his way home.

Around three in the morning, Jackson was found by a pair of girls who were a part of the same group as the Canadian.  They saw the maple leaf mark in his forehead and assumed he was the Canadian equivilent of Harry Potter. 

The next morning Jackson woke up in Montreal with a splitting headache and a gang of devoted followers.  Within a year thousands of people from across the world were coming to him to learn from his wisdom and hear tales of his battles against the evil moose sorcerer.  By the end of the decade his followers had reached the millions.   

And that is the story of how Jackson McDonald, a boy who didn’t even know what country Juneau was in, became the first and last wizard king of Canada. 

Two Penny Sagas: Uncle Leo

My cousin, Karen, suggested this first line to me.  I wrote for five minutes.  This is what I got.  (If any of you have any more suggestions for prompts please let me know.) 

"Crap," I thought, as I broke off another toe.

“Dude!  Not again!”  My brother shouted. 

“Sweetie, be more careful with your uncle!”  Mom panted hoisting up his shoulders.  Uncle Leo had died right after the holiday season so his corpse weighed fifteen pounds more than it should have. 

Uncle Leo just moaned and strained against the straight jacket we’d kept him tied up in since he’d died and come back. 

“Sorry,” I mumbled and pocketed the toe.  “It was an accident.”

With a lot of panting and heaving we managed to haul Uncle Leo out of the basement and up into the den.  The worst part about having a dead relative was that we all had to get up ten minutes earlier every morning. 

After we placed Uncle Leo on the couch my brother checked the straight jacket, Mom placed a plate of raw meat next to him in case he got hungry and I put on a football game we had recorded on TiVo.

“We’re going out now!” Mom shouted at Uncle Leo.  “We’ll be back in the afternoon!  Be good!” 

Uncle Leo snarled at her.

“Mom we’re gonna be late for school!” My brother moaned. 

“Both of you give your uncle a kiss!”  Mom snapped. 

We groaned, and pecked him on the cheek before running out to the door.  Everyone at school thought that it was weird that we kept Uncle Leo around.  There were places where professionals could help people with his condition but Mom insisted that this was more humane. 

Two Penny Saga: Big News

My friend, Mikey, suggested this first line to me.  I wrote for five minutes.  This is what I got.  (If any of you have any more suggestions for prompts please let me know.)

In one instant I became the second most important thing in my whole life. 

“Well?” my wife asked. “Aren’t you gonna say something?”

“Am I the father?”  I blurted out.

Her glass of ice water splashed my face.  “How can you even ask that?”  She snapped.  “What kind of insensitive jerk are you?”

I became painfully aware that patrons and waitresses throughout the diner were staring at us.

“Sorry.  I’m sorry!”  I spluttered wiping my face.  “I didn’t mean that.  I know I’m the father.  I just got excited.”

“Isn’t there something else you want to tell me?”

“I love you.”

“Better.”

“And I love this baby.  I’m going to be the best dad ever, I swear.”

She stared down at her lap.  “We need to talk about the future.”

“We’ll sell the apartment.  I’ll find a house in the suburbs with a great neighborhood and a fantastic school system.  When that baby arrives in nine months-.”

“It’ll be here in six weeks.”

“Wait, what?  How long have you been pregnant?”

“Less than a month.  As for moving, we’ll have to go somewhere isolated.  There can’t be any neighbors.  It would be best if the house had a really deep basement where the baby can dig tunnels and hunt rats when it gets hungry.”

“Honey!  Stop that!  Why are you talking about our baby like this?”

“Because children in our family always take after their mother.”

Two Penny Saga: SURPRISE!

My friend, Chris, suggested this first line to me.  I wrote for five minutes.  This is what I got.  (If any of you have any more suggestions for prompts please let me know.) 

I learned on Tuesday just how vehemently my daughter hated butterflies.

June had broken up with her boyfriend, Ryan, the night before, but I had a surefire way to cheer her up. 

She was sound asleep when I crept up to her bed at seven in the morning and whispered, “Juuune!  It’s time to wake up!” 

My daughter stirred and mumbled something between snores.

“Open your eyes!  I have a surprise for you.”

June groaned and lifted her head.  Her eyes bolted open and her mouth dropped when she saw that I had filled her room with four thousand butterflies. 

“Do you like them?”  I asked, grinning.  “I thought they’d cheer you up!”

June pulled up her legs as a cluster of butterflies flew away.  “Mom!  This is weird!  What the hell is going on?”

My face dropped.  “You don’t like this?  I thought most girls loved butterflies.”

“Thank God you didn’t think I loved horses!  Get them out of here!”

“Well, here’s the thing.  I paid for these butterflies until noon so-.”

“Mom!  This is totally weird!  Get them out of my room!”

“Okay!  You don’t have to shout!”  I grabbed the net and began catching the butterflies so I could shove them back into the crate.  I didn’t know what I was going to do with them until noon.  Maybe I should take them over to Ryan’s house and try to cheer him up.

Two Penny Saga: Plummeting to the Ground

My friend, Heather, suggested this first line to me.  I wrote for five minutes.  This is what I got.  (If any of you have any more suggestions for prompts please let me know.) 

  

I learned 3 things as my plane crashed.

The first was that a seat belt on a crashing plane didn’t even provide the illusion of security. 

The second was that my big brother, Greg, could still scream like a little girl.

The third thing I learned, as the 747 nosedived toward the earth, was that I become very honest when I’m about to die. 

“I WAS THE ONE WHO PEED ALL OVER YOUR BEDROOM BEFORE PROM!”

Greg stopped screaming and turned to me.

“You were taking Amy,” I stammered.  “And I was really jealous and I knew I could blame the dog so I drank all this Mountain Dew-.”

“I’m going to kill you!” Greg bellowed and grabbed me by the throat, strangling me.

I gasped for air and tried to beat him back while hoping that we would crash before he strangled me. 

But then, by some miracle, the plane righted itself and we were flying smoothly again. 

“Sorry about that folks,” the Pilot said over the intercom.  “We’ll be landing at the next available airport.”

Everyone on the plane sat up and looked around, amazed that they were still alive.  Greg and I stared at each other.  He slowly took his hands off my throat and leaned back.  We didn’t say another word to each other until we reached the family reunuion.

Two Penny Saga: Shawn

My cousin, Karen, suggested this first line to me.  I wrote for five minutes.  This is what I got.  (If any of you have any more suggestions for prompts please let me know.) 

 

It was four o'clock in the morning when Mary finished her research for the night. Just as she was about to log off, the message icon on her Facebook page lit up. Okay, one last message, she thought, as she reached to tap it open.

The message was from her old college buddy, Shawn.  “Hope everything is going well!  I recently moved to the area!  We should meet up!” 

Mary wrote back, “That would be fun!”

She was officially signing off for the evening when Shawn’s response popped up.  “You have a beautiful house.”

“Thanks!”  Mary wrote even though she didn’t think her profile picture did the house justice.

A third message: “It smells like you.” 

A cold sweat broke out over Mary’s skin. 

A fourth message: “Your bedroom’s a mess.”

Mary snapped her laptop shut.  She took a deep breath and told herself that this was when a smart person would shrug of the comments.  Shawn was just drunk and being a jerk as always. 

Mary looked for her cell phone to call her friend Stephanie, not because she was scared just because she liked waking up her friends at four in the morning.  Her cell phone was in the bedroom.

Stephanie flicked on her bedroom light and told herself that she wasn’t relieved that it was empty.  She snatched up her cell phone off the bed and was about to dial Stephanie’s number when she froze.  She wasn’t certain if she had left her desktop computer on but she was positive she hadn’t left her window open.  Mary opened her cell phone and tried to call Stephanie but couldn’t.  All of her contacts had been changed to “Shawn.”

Two Penny Saga: The Woman on the Train

My cousin, Geoffrey, suggested this first line to me.  I wrote for five minutes.  This is what I got.  (If any of you have any more suggestions for prompts please let me know.) 

Dave woke up a few minutes before his stop. Bleary eyed, he looks across the short distance at the woman in the seat facing him. He couldn't help but notice that her head was ridiculously large. That or her body was ridiculously small. Either way, she looked ridiculous.

“Can I help you?” The woman asked, glaring at Dave across the subway.

“Sorry,”  Dave looked away.  “It’s your head.  Is there something wrong with it?”  As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he wanted to take them back. 

The woman sniffed and looked out the window.

“I didn’t mean it that way!”  Dave protested.  “I’ve had a really long day and-.”

“HEY!”  A little voice shouted. 

At first Dave assumed that the woman had a radio.  She hadn’t said anything but the voice had clearly come from her.  He was about to ask if she had heard it too when the woman’s ear swung out of her head.

Dave blinked, convinced that it was just the stress of the job affecting him.  When he looked again, though, Dave saw that woman’s ear had opened like a door.  A tiny purple old man with enormous ears was stepping out onto the woman’s shoulder. 

“What do you think you’re doing insulting my house like that?” the man squeaked. 

“I-.”  David stammered.

“How would you like it if I said your hose had a weird head?”  The tiny man turned back to the woman.  “Did he insult you?”  The woman nodded pitifully.  “I’m sorry!”  He tugged on her red hair.  “Later today I can trim your hedges.  Would you like that?”

The woman grinned. 

The man touched one of the moles on the side of her cheek.  “I need to have the painter come by and take a look at this.”  He walked back inside the woman’s head, and slammed her ear shut.  Dave could hear him inside the woman’s skull cleaning dishes and humming to himself. 

From that day on Dave took the bus home.   

Two Penny Saga: The General Store

My fiance, Kimmy, suggested this first line to me.  I wrote for five minutes.  This is what I got.  (If you have any suggestions for prompts let me know.)  

I went to the store with fifty cents in my pocket.

The old man behind the counter had two spectacles precariously balanced on a nose that made him look like a vulture.  He looked me up and down.  “We don’t have anything here you can afford,” he croaked. 

“I just want to browse,” I said examining his dusty store. 

“If you’re not gonna buy anything you might as well leave!” 

Ignoring him, I walked to the back of the shop and could feel his icy glare following me.  I found a grimy shelf labeled “DREAMS.”  Beneath it were mason jars filled with swirling colorful mist.  Labeled on the jars were things like, “Falling-$17.99,”  “Being Chased by Wolves-$6.50,” “Flying-$30.95,” “Finding the Love of your Life-$99.99”

I tossed my two quarters up in the air and caught them.

The old man sniffed, “If that’s all you got you might as well run back to your hovel! We’ve got nothing for you here!”        

The next shelf was filled with jars that were labeled with things like, “Justice: Granted-$500.00” and “Justice Not Granted – $1.00.”  It seemed that I was too poor to not even afford injustice. 

There were also jars in the store that read, “Heartache-$0.75,”  “Tears-$2.75,” “Revenge -50.00,” and “Adventure-$1,000.00”

“Alright!”  The old man snarled.  “Tour time is over.  Get your filthy rags out of here before I call the orphanage!” 

It was then that I found a solitary shelf with a sign that read, “One time only 90% off sale!”  There was a single jar on the shelf.  It was filled with coal colored powder and had a label that read, “Bad Luck-5.00.”

I grabbed the jar and walked up to the counter.  “I found something I can afford!”  The man looked over the jar, examined the sale sign twice to make sure it was accurate and finally took my two quarters while grumbling under his breath. 

As I left the store I opened up the jar and sprinkled the contents on the floor.  I was halfway down the sidewalk when I heard an explosion.  It sounded like every shelf in the store had broken at once and was soon joined by the old man screaming. 

TWO PENNY SAGA: All Spiders go to Hell!

 I took a random sentence, used it as the first line in a story and wrote for five minutes. This is what I got.

I didn’t know until that moment that Nell was so afraid of Spiders. 

“What the hell!”  She screamed and threw the box at me.  It hit the floor and a spider the size of a small puppy scampered out and hid behind the couch, whimpering. 

“You hurt her!”  I said, scooping the enormous arachnid up into my arms.   

“What is that thing, Mark?”  Nell shouted with her back against the wall.  “Why is it in my birthday present?”

“It’s called a dragon spider.  I bought her off of an old man at a gas station.  I figured that since your roommate is allergic to dogs you could have her as a pet.”

“You think Rebecca would be okay with having that….thing around?”

“It’s not a thing, it’s a dragon spider.  The old man said that they’re rare and magical animals.  They’re incredibly faithful and intelligent and bring their owners good luck.”  I placed the dragon spider on the ground and she scurried around my feet, rubbing up against my legs.  “The old man said that their web can be used to cure any disease and that they can sense people who are hurt or hungry and bring them help.  He also said that there are three rules to owning a dragon spider.  The first is that you can’t let them eat after midnight.  The second is-.”

“DIE!”  Rebecca screemed and ran at the Dragon Spider with a dictionary the size of a cinder block.  The spider had just enough time to cringe in terror before she began smashing the book on top of it.  Rebecca continued to crush the animal until it was just a brown and green stain on the floor. 

When she was done, Rebecca stood up and growled, “Only one spider rule in my house.  They all go to hell!”   

Two Penny Saga: The Great Beyond

Greg closed his eyes, took a deep breath and jumped.

 He clung onto his homemade hang glider.  For a second it flew steadily through the air.  Then the frame cracked.  Greg torpedoed down to the sidewalk below.

The next thing he knew Greg was in a gray void before a man holding a long scroll.

"Hello!"  The man looked up at him.  "Probably should have chosen a smaller building?"

"I guess."  Greg tried to scratch his nose but realized he was made out of mist.   

"Well, the good news is your dead."  The man grinned.  "Now the question is what to do with you."

"Do I get to go to heaven?"

"Oh no!  You're not ready for that.  Maybe in a few more lives.  I'm afraid we're going to have to send you back.  Do you have any preferences?"

"A movie star would be nice."

The man looked through his scroll.  "Unfortunately, you didn't live the kind of life where I can justify making you a movie star.  Remember Julie?  You probably shouldn't have called off the wedding via text message.  In fact, considering your road rage you won't even be able to go back human."

"What about a bird?  I've always wanted to fly."

"Absolutely,"  the man looked over his scroll.  "Your options are ostrich, kiwi or....penguin."

TWO PENNY SAGA: Hiding

 
My friend, Mel P., suggested this first line to me.  I wrote for five minutes.  This is what I got.  (If you have any suggestions for prompts let me know.)  


"Henry knew it was only a matter of time before they found him."

Holding his breath, he peeked out of the cupboard beneath the sink.  There were footsteps.  Henry pulled back.

He heard the boys run into the kitchen.  Brandon growled, "Where is that little snot?"

Henry clutched his bottle and prayed that the boys would go away.

One of the other boys said, "I'll look out back, you guys check out the rest of the house."  He heard their footsteps running away.  

Henry pulled himself out of the cupboard and stood in the middle of the kitchen.  He was trapped.  One of them was in the backyard.  The others would hear him if he tried to unlock the back door.  Becomming desperate, Henry spun around and almost crashed into Billy, Brandon's brother.

Billy was clutching his teddy bear and sucking his thumb.  Henry crouched down in front of Billy and whispered, "Hey you know what would be really cool?  If there was a door right there leading outside!"  He shoved the bottle into the boy's arm.  "Why don't you wish there was a door right there in that wall?"

"Hey butt face!"  Brandon shouted running into the room.  He grabbed Henry by the collar and shoved him into the refrigerator.  "You stupid genie!  When my sister wished that she was the greatest music entertainer in the world she didn't want you to turn her into Michael Jackson!   Now turn her back!"   

TWO PENNY SAGA: Emperor of the Basement

My friend, Chris C., suggested this first line to me.  I wrote for five minutes.  This is what I got.  (If you have any suggestions for prompts let me know.)  

“Pliny had never had any objections about defying emperors.”  Especially since most of the emperors in his house only ruled over rooms or cupboards.  While Pliny got dressed for school the emperor of his closet would hold up his scepter and bellow, “I demand you pay taxes for entering my domain!”  Pliny would just roll his eyes while the Emperor ordered his socks to attack him. 

There was one emperor Pliny did fear, though, the emperor of the basement.

“He’s not that bad!”  Pliny’s mom said one afternoon.

“He orders the mice to bite me and makes the furnace breath fire and he’s read all the National Geographics Dad put down there so he’s really smart!”  Pliny whined. 

“I am tired of your excuses, Pliney.  Now, go downstairs and dust that basement!” 

Before Pliney had even reached the bottom of the basement steps the emperor leapt out of the box of toys they kept in the corner  “Who dares trespass?”

“It’s just me,” Pliney sighed.  “My mom wants me to dust down here.”

The emperor pointed at the boy.  “A spy!  Who sent you?”

“I told you!  My-.”  He stopped, thought about his answer for a moment and then said, “The attic emperor sent me to spy on you.  He’s thinking about declaring war and said you’re too stupid and fat to do anything about it!” 

“We’ll see about that!”  The emperor snarled and gathered his advisors together.  Pliney dusted and listened to them plot.  Then he went over to his friend’s house (which only had a prime minister of the garage).

When Pliney returned that evening he discovered that the sparrows and armies of old clothes from the attic were fighting the mice and baby toy armies from the basement.  Alliances had been made so the bathroom navy was now involved along with the bed covers from the spare bedroom.  By dinnertime it was a full out house war.    

Pliney’s father groaned, “I have to wear the same tie to work tomorrow because the rest of mine were drafted.”

His mother complained, “We were going to have steak but my frying pan has been taken a political prisoner.”

His big sister grumbled, “The TV room’s developed nuclear capabilities and Brad’s coming over tonight!”   

  

Pliney slumped in his chair, ate his green beans and thought about how much better things would be if his Mom hadn’t made him dust the basement.  

TWO PENNY SAGA: Night Horrors

I took a random sentence, used it as the first line in a story and wrote for five minutes. This is what I got.

Rosalie stifled her scream and cowered under the blanket.

The purple monster with spiked tentacles and twenty eyes slid across the floor toward her.  The creature put its horned snout on the foot of the bed.  “You know Rosalie, I’m really not that bad!”

“Yes you are!”  Rosalie cried.  “You live in my closet and eat the feet of little girls!”

“True, but there are much worse things in the world.  Like, HIGH SCHOOL!”

Rosalie was quivering.  “What’s that?”

“In high school they will teach you algebra and make you take showers in gym!  You’ll grow acne and have to wear braces.  All of your friends will stab you in the back.  Everyone else will have a boyfriend, even Alicia McDermit!”

“That’s not true!”  Rosalie whimpered.

“Then you’ll go to college and waste your time studying drama and philosophy!  After that you’ll have to spend the rest of your life paying student loans.  In this economy you won’t be able to find a job with decent benefits much less a 401K.  You’ll spend the rest of your life in a miserable little cubicle listening to your co-workers complain about the weather while dreaming of someday getting your poetry published.”

Rosalie clenched her fists.  “Oh, yeah?  Well, what about this?”  The little girl grabbed a crumpled sheet of paper off her bedside table.

The monster snarled, “Where did you get that?”

“My mommy made me clean out my closet, and I found this comedy routine written by you!  It’s boring, trite and not nearly as cutting edge as you think!” 

“It’s a satire!”  The monster burst into tears.  “Why doesn’t anyone understand that?  People would get the jokes if they bothered to open a newspaper!  But no I guess it’s more fun to boo the new guy at armature night!”  Sobbing, the monster turned and slithered back into the closet, leaving Rosalie to sleep in peace. 

TWO PENNY SAGA: Grandpa's Visit

I took a random sentence, used it as the first line in a story and wrote for five minutes. This is what I got.

I was not expecting what was waiting for me just as I rounded the corner.

"Grandpa!"  I shouted dropping the files.  "How did you get out of the nursing home?"

"It's your lucky day Marty!"  My grandfather giggled prancing up to me in a purple suit and top hat.  "Today your pappy is taking you to CANDY LAND!"

I glanced at the surrounding cubicles.  Most of my co-workers were on the phone or trying to send e-mails, but no one was doing anything interesting enough to distract them from this.

"Grandpa," I murmured taking his arm and trying to guide him to the exit.  "Maybe you should go back to the home."

"Really Marty?  You want me to go back to the old folk's home?  Or do you want me to take you on a cruise down the chocolate canal and a safari among the lollipop lions?  We could fly my licorice plane through the cotton candy clouds!"

I could see my boss Mr. White walking toward us.

"You really need to get out of here grandpa!"

"Are you suuuuure Marty?"

"Yes!  I'm sure!"  I stammered gathering up the files I had dropped.  "I need to send these faxes now, but I'll go to Candy Land with you after work.  Do you need me to call you a taxi?"

My grandfather's face drooped.  "No, that's alright."  He sighed.  "I can find my own way out."  He reached into his purple jacket and pulled out a candy cane, which he stuck into the wall.  What had been hard plaster pulled back like a curtain revealing a landscape filled with gumdrop trees and toffee mountains.  "See ya Marty," Grandpa sighed and stumbled on through.

Kelly, one of the more attractive associates, walked past me.  "That looked embarrassing."

I shook my head.  "That was nothing.  You should've seen what happened when my Uncle Ryan the Lord of Rainbows showed up."

  

TWO PENNY SAGAS from the past 2

Here are some more Two Penny Sagas I wrote before starting this blog. 

“Oh no!” Mom shouted when she saw what Grandma had chosen for our bedtime story. “You are not reading that to them!”

Grandma held up the bundle of yellowed pages she had pulled off the bookshelf. “Why not, Emma? I am sure they will find it very educational.”

“What is it?” my sister Laura and I squealed.

“It's called Henry Rabbit and the Sack of Severed Heads!”

“Mother!” Mom growled. “I'm warning you...”

Grandma went on. “It's a story of friendship, honor, courage and exploding intestines! You children are familiar with the term 'unnecessary surgery' right?”

“Read it! Read it!” we squealed.

“No!” Mom snatched the book out of Grandma's hands. “She's going to read you something decent. How about Goodnight Moon?”

“That's boring!” I cried.

Grandma looked up at Mom, “Emma...”

“No buts mom! They are my children and I won't have you reading this trash to them.” Mom dropped the bundle of papers into the garbage can.

“Fine,” Grandma groaned and flipped open the picture book. “'Goodnight Moon...good night room....”

Mom stood in the doorway watching Grandma read to us. After a few minutes her phone rang down the hall. As soon as Mom turned the corner, Grandma pulled the bundle of papers out of the trashcan and began reading it. “This is the story of Henry Rabbit and the Sack of Severed Heads, written and illustrated by Emma Frost.” She looked up at us. “You know, your mother was about your age when she wrote this.”

She could not believe what she found in the glove box of her boyfriend's car.

“Oh Lord! What is that thing?” Claire pressed herself as far back into passenger's seat as she could go.

“What? What's wrong?” Christopher shouted almost swerving off the highway.

“I opened up your glove compartment to find your GPS and there's some ugly shriveled up thing in there. Is that...is that a monkey's paw?

“Oh, that,” Christopher mumbled. “It's nothing.”

“It sure smells like something!”

“Okay, okay, it's something,” he groaned. “I guess I should tell you about it.  I bought it off of this old guy outside the mall a few months ago. He said it would grant me three wishes.”

“You're joking.” Claire glared at her boyfriend.

“I didn't really believe it at first, but I was holding it after I left and figured I'd give it a shot. I wished for more money. I thought if it really was magic I would get a pile of gold or cash or at least a winning lottery ticket. Nothing like that happened.”

“Were you surprised?”

“Well, the next day I did get that huge promotion. With an eighty percent salary increase.”

“Yeah, but that was just a coincidence.”

“After that, I wished I wasn't so lonely. Two days later Oscar, my cat showed up, eating out of my trashcan. He was just a kitten so I took him in.”

“What did you wish for after that?”

“You.”

Claire stared at him. “Chris, what are you....”

“I'd had a crush on you for months. You're the reason I kept going back to that stupid coffee shop.”

“I know. You already told me.”

“So I held the monkey's paw and said, 'I wish that cute girl at the coffee shop would fall in love with me,' and the next day were talking."

“Chris! That's a self fulfilled prophecy. It had nothing to do with this shriveled up old paw.” She stared at the glove compartment. “You don't really think that the only reason why I love you is because that thing's magic do you?”

Chris shrugged. “Maybe. I don't know.”

Claire shook her head. “No.  I don't believe it.  I love you willingly.  Nothing's forcing me to.  Really!"  Neither of them said anything for the rest of the car ride.  By the time they reached their destination Claire couldn't take her eyes off the monkey paw. 

PROMPT: Most kids set up a lemonade stand to make some money, but not us.

We set up a Divination Stand.

One summer morning my little brother Matt and I dragged a card table out to the corner and wrote “Fortune Tellings – 25 cents!” on a sign in front of it.

We didn't have any customers at first, but after an hour or so Mrs. Cole walked by with her little dog Max and I asked, “Would you like me to read your fortune Mrs. Cole?”

“Well, if you hurry.” She sighed.

I gave her some Juicy Juice to drink. When she was done I looked at the drops on the bottom of the cup. “Uh,” I mumbled, “The spirits are telling me that you have sweet purple globs in your future.”

“Well isn't that nice,” Mrs. Cole sighed and walked on.

Not long after that my Dad came home for lunch. “What're you boys doing?” he asked.

“Performing Divination,” I grinned. “I can tell you your future for a quarter.”

“Well, alright,” Dad sighed checking his watch.

I'd heard that people used to read fortunes from the guts of small animals. I didn't have any small animals around so I tried to read Dad's fortune from Mark's guts. Dad made me stop, though, and said, “People used to read fortunes from how birds flew. Why don't you see what those pigeons are trying to tell you.”

One of the pigeons flew over dad's car and pooped on it. “Uh...” I turned to Dad. “I'd tell you what that meant but you'd probably wash my mouth out with soap.”

“Fair enough,” Dad sighed and gave me a quarter.

A few minutes later, Greg Thompson, the fifth grader from down the street, came by and snarled, “What're you little turds doing?”

“Performing Divination,” I stated. “Do you want your fortune read?”

“What a pair of losers!” Greg laughed and started to walk on down the street.

“Wait!” I shouted. “This one's on the house!”

Greg stopped and turned back to glare at me.

I looked up into the sky. “I will use that cloud to see what the spirits have in store for you Gregory Thompson!” I stared up into the bright blue sky that only held one fluffy white cloud. I turned back to Greg, “Beware things that are fluffy and white!”

Greg laughed, punched me in the face, and stole both our quarters.

After that Mark and I gave up on reading fortunes and went on inside to watch TV.

The next day Mrs. Cole inherited a grape jelly company, my dad ate too much fast food and was stuck on the pot all afternoon and Greg Thompson was hit by a cotton delivery truck. I guess that's what you get when you doubt the spirit world.

PROMPT: My life would be different if I'd never met the old man.

Every town has a house like number Twelve Oak Drive. It's the kind that's all boarded up with an overgrown lawn and a single elderly resident who may or may not be a serial killer. Basically, no one would take you seriously in seventh grade until you broke into the house and came back with a trophy.

I left my friends on the corner and climbed up the side the porch. When I was on the roof I found a window that was open a crack and crept in. It wasn't until I was all the way inside that I noticed the candles. A tall, bony man sat in the middle of the room surrounded by strange patterns drawn on the floor with chalk. He looked up at me and smiled, “So, you have finally arrived.”

“Arrived?” I mumbled.

“Yes,” the man smiled. “I have spent a month summoning you from the shores beyond the mist. You are my new spirit servant. Now, I am hungry. Bring me food!”

“What?”

The old man leaned across his candles. “Wait, you are a spirit servant aren't you?”

I was about admit that I was just some kid who'd broken into his house on a dare, but then realized what would happen. He would call my parents, my dad would come pick me up, and I would be grounded for a month.

“Sure, I'm a spirit servant!” I grinned. “Just give me one of those candles and I'll get you that food right now!” I crawled out the window, climbed down to the street, handed my friends the candle and then ran to the grocery store where I used all my money to buy some hamburgers and chips.

After I cooked the old man dinner he wanted to hear some music from the spirit world so I brought over my trumbone and played “Louie Louie.” He then wanted to hear tales from “the shores beyond the mist,” so I told him about what happened last week on The Jersey Shore.

Now he's wants me to build him a solid gold palace. I don't know where I'll get the gold but I've spent the last few weeks digging the foundations in his back yard. Every time one of my friends asks me if I want to come over and hang out I have to say, “Nope, I gotta be that old man's spirit servant after school.” All in all, I'd almost rather be grounded.

My prompt was a photograph of people eating in the ocean.


"Please pass the seaweed," said Rick, god of the ocean.
"Get your own damn seaweed," mumbled Becky goddess of forgiveness.
"Look Becky," Rick mumbled, sipping his Budweiser, "I know you're think you're the hottest deity in the universe but maybe you can stop being such a bitch all the time."
"Shut up Dad!"  Shouted Sally, goddess of volcanoes, at the other end of the table.  "At least she lets people forgive each other, you just drown them!"
"Oh!" Rick exclaimed.  "You think she's the better god do you?"
"She's a hell of a lot better than you are!"
While the father and daughter bickered and the mother goaded them on, RJ, the youngest child, and god of music, turned up his I-Pod and glared at his food.
Finally, Sally leapt up fromt the table and bellowed.  "I hate you guys!  You can all die for all I care!"  She stormed off to her bedroom slamming her door so hard it woke up Chester, the hound of plagues.
"See what you did!"  Rick spat at Becky.
"Shut up Rick!"  Becky threw her plates on the ground and stamped away.  "I want a divorce!"
Rick sat at the table silently eating the rest of his cold dinner.  He didn't even notice RJ standing up and leaving to meet with his friends at Burger King.  All four gods were so upset no one remembered to feed Chester.
Across the globe the oceans clashed sinking doezens of ships, friends and family refused to forgive each other for slight offenses, volanoes errupted burying cities in ash and lava, plaques spread across continents, and the music industry collapsed.