Sunday, January 14, 2018


This is a part of an ongoing project in which I watch one movie from a different country every week.


RUNNING TIME: 107 Minutes

DIRECTOR: George Sluizer

WRITTEN BY: Tim Krabbé (Screenplay and Novel)


WHERE YOU CAN FIND IT: Netflix DVD. Amazon Instant. 
I borrowed a copy from the Baltimore County Public library.  It's a part of the Criterion collection. 

PLOT: While on vacation, a young Dutch couple, Rex and Saskia, stop at a service station where Saskia goes missing. Three years later, a man approaches Rex and claims to be her abductor.

MEMORABLE MOMENT: The moment when Rex realizes what happened to Saskia will haunt you for days. I can't bring myself to give it away here, though, not even after a "Spoiler" warning. 

Instead I'll have to go with the montage in which we see Raymond, a seemingly mild-mannered family man, fail again and again at finding an acceptable victim. The sequence somehow manages to be both comical and horrifying.

  •  The Vanishing was adapted from the novella The Golden Egg by Dutch Journalist and chess champion Tim Krabbé, who also received screenplay credit. Supposedly, he got the idea from an article about a woman who vanished. Fortunately the woman had simply boarded the wrong bus and was reunited with her family.
  • While The Vanishing  is the Dutch entry here, the film was disqualified as the Dutch submission for the Academy Awards because there was too much French dialogue. 
  • According to IMDB, Stanley Kubrick stated that The Vanishing  was the most terrifying film he had ever seen. 
  • In 1993, George Sluizer directed an American remake of his film staring Jeff Bridges, Kiefter Sutherland and Sandra Bullock. It bombed in the box office and was criticized for tacking on a happy ending.

The Vanishing is a thriller that starts off by telling the audience everything they want to know. There is no mystery regarding who the villain is or how he plans to commit the crime. Early in in the film we learn that Raymond Lemorne (Bernard-Pierre Donnadieu) is a wealthy family man who owns a remote piece of property where (it is heavily implied) he plans to take his victims. We even see Raymond use chloroform on himself and record how long the affects last. Everything is spelled out except for what happened to Saskia (Johanna ter Steege).

The film follows Rex (Gene Bervoets), who is searching for his missing lover. I have nothing against Rex as a character (although one has to wonder if he and Saskia would have remained together if she hadn’t been abducted), but he acts more as a guide than a hero, leading the audience down a path at the end of which we discover her fate.

The most intriguing portions of The Vanishing follow Raymond as he attempts to commit his crime, the way a determined student might attempt to complete a challenging school project.

Raymond isn’t Anthony Hopkins' Hannibal Lecter or Heath Ledger’s Joker. The audience never sees these other villains plan their crimes or struggle with the execution. To us they were born master criminals.

Imagine if a good portion of Saw was devoted to us watching Jigsaw construct his traps. We’d see him go to Home Depot, buy the chains and power tools, test his razor blades and barbed wire, become frustrated (and embarrassed) when they don’t work, and try again and again and again until everything was perfect. While he would be less god-like, he would appear more human and in a very unsettling way he would be more relatable.

Unlike Hannibal or the Joker, Raymond doesn’t succeed the first time or the second or even the tenth. Even though his crimes are less elaborate, he has to rehearse and later learn to improvise. It would be as if we saw Freddy Krueger practicing his one-liners in the mirror.

Raymond reminds me the most of Breaking Bad’s Walter White. Not just because they are both family men with beards and short hair but because they start out as intelligent but inept. The audience spends much of the story watching them struggle. They are both villains who start off out of their depths, but we see them become more effective until they are master criminals.

Had Raymond’s crimes been as iconic as Lecter’s or as gimmicky as The Joker’s, we might almost like him, the way we "like" other classic villains. However, the atrocities Raymond commits are much more realistic. One could imagine an outwardly peaceful man actually performing these horrors, and that makes him all the more terrifying.

Next week's country: Mali. 

Saturday, January 6, 2018


This is my first entry for a project in which I watch 52 movies from 52 countries in one year.  

When I got the idea to watch fifty-two movies from fifty-two countries throughout 2018, I knew I'd have to start with India.

Indian cinema is the world’s largest film industry. According to multiple sources, the country produces over a thousand movies a year (some sites put that average closer to two thousand). 

So choosing which movie I'd watch was a challenge in upon itself. My choice wasn’t necessarily meant to “represent” the country or sum up its history (try finding a movie that “sums up” America). I simply wanted a fantastic, memorable film.

In the end I chose...


RUNNING TIME: 159 Minutes

DIRECTOR: S.S. Rajamouli

WRITTEN BY: Vijayendra Prasad (Story)
S.S. Rajomouli (Screenplay)
C.H. Vijay Kumar (Telugu dialogue)
Ajay Kumar (Telugu dialogue)

Madhan Karky (Tamil dialogue - the version I watched)

Manoj Muntashir (Hindi dialogue)

 STARING: Prabhas

WHERE YOU CAN FIND IT: Netflix Instant, Amazon Instant.   

PLOT: An infant found drowning in a river grows up to be Shivudu, a free-spirited boy who spends his days exploring the surrounding mountains. When Shivudu becomes a man, he leaves his home and discovers he is connected to a vast kingdom ruled by a psychotic warlord.

MEMORABLE MOMENT: An insane musical number in which our hero (Prabhas) climbs an impossibly tall waterfall in pursuit of a woman covered in blue butterflies.

  • The most expensive film ever made in India. 
  • The first of two movies filmed simultaneously. The sequel Bãhubali: The Conclusion was released in 2017.
  •   Has an animated television series which is a part of the franchise.

Bãhubali (also spelled Baahubali) shares many similarities to blockbusters from around the world. There are familiar mythic archetypes (the baby found in the river, the beautiful female warrior who refuses love until she meets our hero, the protagonist with a violent/mysterious past).           

However it would be impossible to mistake this movie for a Hollywood blockbuster. As one might expect from Indian cinema, Bãhubali has considerably more song and dance numbers than The Lord of the Rings or 300.

 (Although LOTR does have the one)

Also, despite the epic battle sequence at the film’s climax, Bãhubali’s tone (especially in the first half) feels lighter than many American blockbusters. Granted the most recent Star Wars and Avengers movies are filled with a self-aware tongue-in-cheek humor, but the gaudy musical numbers and the gorgeous settings bring an ethereal tone to much of (although not all of) the film. Overall, the special effects and sets are used to make this movie as beautiful as it is epic.

Then there is the treatment of animals. Not only does the movie open with a statement that no animals were harmed during the making of the film, but whenever an animal appears to be in danger, the letters “CGI” flash in the lower left-hand corner, assuring viewers that the water buffalo or the horses being killed are just pixels on the screen. Most Hollywood movies are so desperate to look real (even when the computer effects are cruddy) they would never consider such a disclaimer. 

I chose Bãhubali for its overwhelmingly grand scale both in terms of plot as well as production. Not only was it the most expensive Indian film ever made, it shattered box office records and was met with almost universal critical acclaim.  
Part of me wanted to go for an older, “classic Bollywood” movie. Bãhubali is a beautiful film but it definitely has that recognizable international blockbuster feel to it (just watch the trailer above). Despite the song and dance numbers, there are sections that could almost be mistaken for scenes from Hollywood fantasy films. One could argue that maybe I should have gone for a film unlike anything I’d find in an American Cineplex. (Bãhubali was literally playing in a movie theater ten minutes from my house.) With this in mind, I might write a couple “bonus posts” throughout the year, touching on other Indian films (I'll probably do the same for countries like France, Japan and Korea).

Feel free to leave suggestions.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Why We Love It When Cute/Funny Characters Find Themselves in Horrifying Situations

With the recent premier of Stranger Things 2, I thought I'd take a moment to write about my favorite sub-genre. As far as I know it doesn't have an official name and even though there are several popular examples (especially from the 1980's and early '90's), few people think of it as an independent category. For lack of a better term I have dubbed it the "Cute/Funny Characters in Horrifying Situations" sub-genre


(Loser's Club vs Evil Older Than Time)

(A different Losers Club vs. Dead Pirates)

(A lonely boy vs. Government Agents With Guns - or walkie-talkies, depending on which version you watch)

(Innocent elvish creature vs Dragon)

(Innocent elvish creatures vs. Nightmare Bird/Lizard Monsters)

(Dead children vs. Devilish Creatures In the Afterlife - at least in the middle third of this thousand page epic by Alan Moore.)

(Traumatized boys vs. Psychotic Gang Members - This novella, turned into the movie Stand by Me, isn't as fantastical as the other examples but it sets foot in the sub-genre. It's also just about the best thing Mr. King ever wrote.)

The Graphic Novel medium makes excellent use of this sub-genre.

 (Three Small, Marshmallow-Like Creatures vs. Locust Monster and its Hooded Servant.)

(Three siblings and their friends vs. Evil Dwelling In Their House - This series was written by Stephen King's son, who I would argue is an even better writer than his father.)

(A Quiet, Polite Girl vs Every Sort of Evil Imaginable.)

And the examples go on and on to include: Ghostbusters, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Gremlins, Harry Potter and of course Stranger Things.

All of these stories involve cute, funny or innocent characters (most of them are children or childlike) who find themselves in very severe danger. This danger is usually more horrific than similar heroes might face in other stories. 

An example of a movie that comes close but doesn't quite make the category is Home Alone.  The reason being that the burglars (Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern) are a part of the comedy. In fact they are more inept at being criminals than Macaulay Culkin's character is at taking care of himself.

Several of the examples I gave above include villains who are age-old forces of evil.  All of the antagonists are good at what they do. Meanwhile the heroes are the ones who start out as inept or at least innocent. Had Home Alone's burglars been more like the criminals in Reservoir Dogs or if the house had been under attack by murderous ghosts (but Kevin remained a plucky/funny kid) then this comedy would make the list. Then again, it would have most likely not been a holiday blockbuster. 

Some of the examples above weren't blockbusters but all have a devoted fan base who love the characters and relive the story over and over again. 

So why do we like it when funny characters face off against demonic adversaries?

I once had a friend who claimed that books like It and movies like The Goonies provided a mean-spirited satisfaction to watch helpless children suffer in dark situations. Personally, I think this is a very pessimistic view on the sub-genre and it dismisses some very important aspects of storytelling.

One reason why we love these stories so much is because we always want a hero who starts out weaker than the villain. That's why heroes as capable as James Bond go up against governments or major terrorist organizations and why heroes as powerful as Beowulf go up against monsters and dragons.

However, many of the examples above widen that gap between hero and villain even further. Many of them take heroes who you might normally see facing bullies or a strict principal and puts them against villains who would normally be the adversaries of demon hunters.   

On top of this, one thing people love is juxtaposition. We get a great deal of enjoyment out of comic relief in tense stories. In fact we often enjoy the jokes peppered throughout thrillers more than we enjoy many of the jokes in traditional comedies. Having a character who (at first) panics and reacts to the danger the way we would provides a great deal of opportunity to this comic relief. If done right comedy and horror go hand in hand very well.

We don't just react to the comedy or horror in these stories, we react to the sudden shift, moving us from one genre to the other.  There are several traditional horror stories in which we become numb to the suspense or gore, like sitting in a jacuzzi for too long - you eventually become used to it. 

However, the shift back and forth keeps things more interesting. The comedic aspects are funnier by comparison to the horrific elements and the horrific elements are more terrifying when compared to the comedic elements.   

But there is an even deeper reason why we love this sub-genre. Most of us have never been demon hunters. Most of us will never be trained to fight the forces of darkness. However, we have all been children an adolescents. Buffy, It, Stranger Things and many other examples are about the metaphorical demons of childhood and growing up, which makes these stories so much more personable than if they had simply been about monsters.

We laugh when the scared/geeky kids scream because that is exactly how we would react. Later the story becomes all the more satisfying when the (physically) weak character defeats the age old evil. If you replaced the scared kid with someone who fights demons for a living you might still have an exciting, possibly even touching story but you will lose an important element.

Of course this sub-genre does have its drawbacks. Balancing comedy with tension is difficult. When it works it's great. When it fails it can be even more unpleasant than when a joke doesn't work in a traditional comedy. 

One of the major drawbacks is that many people assume that - despite the MANY examples to the contrary - just because a story is about children then its target audience must be children. The Duffer Brothers have stated that when they were making Stranger Things they were told they either needed to make it a kid's show or take out the kids and focus on the police chief investigating paranormal events. While taking these suggestions may not have led to a horrible show, the end result would have most likely not been as much fun or unique as what we got.

Finally, this sub-genre simply isn't for everyone. While I would love to visit the dimension where they made Home Alone vs Reservoir Dogs, this movie would have most likely been a weird cult film along the lines of Heathers, not the family friendly mega-blockbuster it became. 

The "Cute/Funny Characters in Truly Horrifying Situations" sub-genre (I really need to come up with a shorter name) is full of quirky, lovable and often relatable stories that don't just thrill us but also touch our own experiences. While many of these examples appeared in the 80's and early '90's, I am hoping that Stranger Things will introduce more people to the sub-genre and even more entries will appear in the future.    

Sunday, August 13, 2017

The Cat Odyssey

What follows is the true story of my attempt to reunite a cat with his owners, an epic quest that rivals The Odyssey, Gilgamesh and (at times) Dante’s Inferno.

On Thursday August 3, 2017, I was driving home from work. As I entered my neighborhood I noticed a gray tomcat crouched under a parked car. I remembered that my wife told me about an e-mail going around, alerting the neighborhood of a gray cat that appeared to have been separated from his owners. The e-mail asked that we try to catch the cat and take him to the vet so his chip could be read.

I felt for the little guy. After parking my car, I hurried down the street to find him. Initially, the cat was very friendly. He let me pet him and pick him up. He even followed me a couple blocks.

Certain that this was a cat who needed help, I ran home and grabbed one of our pet carriers. He was still waiting for me when I retuned, but (of course) his demeanor changed the second I tried to put him in the carrier.

Below is an artist's rendition of the emotional turmoil suffered getting the cat into a carrier:

Once I FINALLY (and I mean finally) got the cat secure, I hauled him down the street to our house where I planned to call the vet.

I was about two yards away when the cat burst through the front of the carrier and the container fell apart in my hands. Apparently we buy these things from IKEA.

By the time I put the carrier back together, the little fuzz ball had vanished.

I could have gone home and worked on my endless “to do” list. Heck, it was the start of my weekend! I could have gone home and watched Lego Batman 99% guilt free. But I was on a mission to help this animal.

While walking down the street, I asked four neighbors if they’d seen the cat. I also asked if they knew anyone in the area who owned a gray tomcat (I wanted to be certain I wasn’t kidnapping someone’s beloved pet).  No one had seen the cat and everyone confirmed that a gray cat didn’t live on the street.

The closest I got to a lead was when one man pointed to a house and said the woman who lived there owned a gray cat. I knocked on the door and was greeted by (I’m not making this up) a little old lady in a wheel chair who told me, “My cat just died.” She then looked like she was about to cry.

Go me.

Eventually, a couple neighbors spotted the cat. As soon as he was in our sight everyone else said, “He’s all yours” and cleared out.

I crept up on my little friend, caught him and managed to stuff him into the carrier.

Once again, an artist’s rendition of the struggle:

I carried the cat back to our house, awkwardly clutching the carrier so it wouldn’t fall apart again.

The second I opened our front door the cat burst out of the carrier, sprinting into our home.

As you may have guessed, my wife and I own two cats, Maui and Chewie. We’ve had them since they were kittens and they have seldom interacted with other animals. They can’t even stand each other. Hardly a day passes that one of them doesn’t growl, hiss or swipe. 

The second Maui saw the strange cat she ran upstairs and did what she does when she hears thunder:

Chewie, however, may look like this:

But his soul looks like this:

Within seconds both cats were spitting and clawing. They never actually touched, but they came close. I managed to grab Chewie and locked him in the room where we keep his litter pan.

I called my wife and told her what was happening. She was the one who had actually read the e-mail, and she confirmed that the lost cat was gray with a tuxedo pattern, just like the one I’d found. I called the vet to set up a time to check the chip.    

I should note that during all this I had 2% power on my phone so I was constantly running back and forth, to the charger.

Initially, the vet put me on hold. While I waited I tried to calm the poor cat who had cornered himself in our kitchen.  

I should note I didn’t take these photos to capture the magical moment of having a scared cat. We wanted to e-mail them to the neighborhood in case we couldn’t find the owners.

After ten minutes of listening to hold music, I hung up and called the vet again. This time when the receptionist answered I blurted what was happening. She told me to take the cat in right away.

I grabbed a much more secure carrier, forced the cat inside….

(Which looked like this)

…released Chewie from the litter pan room and took the lost cat to the vet. 

By this point I had bonded with the little feline. We were partners on a journey that would end with him reunited with his people.

We reached the vet (for the first time ever I had trouble finding a parking spot) and I carried him inside.

They took us around back right away, scanned the cat for a chip and the nurse told me she would be right back.

I expected her to return with an address or at least a phone number. The cat would then be reunited with his people within the hour and the world would rejoice. 

 Instead she came back with an eighteen-digit ID and a phone number. She told me that legally their office couldn’t help any further. I needed to go home, call the number, give the ID and someone else would take care of the situation from there.

Per the nurse’s instructions I kept the cat in the carrier when I got home. I didn’t want to risk him passing parasites or diseases to my two sheltered puffballs. However, this made the cat howl and scream. And I mean scream. Like I was worried the neighbors were going to call the cops.

I called the number and (of course) got an automated message. I followed the prompts, entered the ID number and was told they couldn’t help me.

I went to their website and was given another phone number.

I called that number.

I was disconnected.

I called the number again.

I was given a third number.

No one answered.

I banged my head against the wall.

At long last I got in touch with someone who said that they had the cat’s information on file. They tried to call the owner but apparently no one answered. They asked if I could keep the cat overnight.

By this point the cat sounded it like a wolverine fighting a wood chipper while barn owls screeched from the sidelines. When I went upstairs to check on my own cats I found them hiding in the corner. Maui was perpetually growling. A few years ago she had growled so much she threw up blood.  

No, we couldn’t keep the cat overnight.

I told the woman I’d drive the cat to the facility myself. Before I hung up I asked what they would do if they couldn’t contact the cat’s owners. She assured me they weren’t a kill shelter. The only reason they would euthanize an animal was if it was sick. She also told me they were the ones who would have to reunite the cat.

So once again, I hauled the cat, who was still howling in the carrier, out to my car. I drove back to where I’d found him, knocked on a few doors, held up the carrier and asked if people knew the owners. I wanted to be ABSOLUTELY certain I couldn’t settle this myself.

The only person who recognized the cat was a sweet elderly woman who said she had seen him around, but no one in the neighborhood owned him.

With no other options, I put the cat back in the car and drove thirty minutes north of Baltimore.

To be fair, the facility I arrived at looked very well maintained and the staff seemed legitimately concerned about their animals’ welfare.

I talked to a woman at reception and she confirmed their policy on putting animals down. She said there was an extremely slim chance that would happen, especially if the cat was friendly (I assured her he was despite the howling). Everything was almost complete when she noticed a bloody scratch on my hand. I told her that was probably a result of my knuckles scraping the carrier when I caught the cat. She said that didn’t matter. If blood was drawn the cat had to be in a ten-day quarantine.

She could tell I was frustrated and assured me that this wouldn’t count against the cat. He would just have to stay away from other animals for ten days.

Finally, there was nothing left for me to do but hand the little guy over. I was about to leave when the receptionist double checked my contact information and said, “Oh, the cat’s registered owners live on your street.”


I had gone through a journey that makes Odysseus look like a stay at home dad and the whole time this cat was in his own neighborhood!

Let’s just say when I got home I treated myself to Chipotle. 

During all this I had been communicating with my wife who was still at work and was also very concerned about the animal. We both decided that we should at least try to find the cat’s owners, to ensure they knew where their pet was.

So we walked to the part of our neighborhood where I found the cat, knocked on a door and a young woman answered. We’d barely finished introducing ourselves when she said, “Yeah! He’s our cat. We know where he is. They called us.”

Within thirty seconds we’d found the owner.

Now you need to understand that this house is in the dead center of where I’d been asking people. This woman literally doesn’t have a single neighbor who knows she owns a cat or lets him outside. There have been e-mails throughout the neighborhood sent by people who think the cat is lost.

So that’s it. That’s my cat odyssey, a tale of blood and tears wasted to “save” a cat who’d been hanging out ten feet from his doorstep. The whole thing is an allegory in nihilism. At the end of the day nothing that happened mattered.

However, one thing that did come from all this is that the following day I walked upstairs and saw something I’d never seen before. Our two cats, who can barely be in the same room with each other, were snuggling.

I have no explanation for this except they were comforting one another. A common enemy had brought them together.

Maybe that counts for something.

Monday, July 24, 2017

An Overlooked Talent Necessary to Become a Successful Author

There are countless talents that an author needs in order to be successful.  Just to name a few, there is: creativity, a comfort with language, an ability to form single sentence hooks and a knack for developing unique, believable characters.

However, there is one talent that is often overlooked: the ability to keep the story fluid. 

I never considered this a skill until a fellow writer complemented my ability to move around various characters and scenes in order to implement feedback. Once I started to think about it, I realized that I seldom hear this skill discussed and have never seen it taught in classes or workshops.

Regardless, keeping a story fluid in your mind is vital to revisions.  When you give your writing to test readers they will (if you’re lucky) give you clear, honest feedback.  Some of the feedback will require you to change plot elements or characters in ways that will send ripples throughout the world you created.    

Something that is often said (but few of us ever believe) is that until your writing is actually published, just about anything in your world can be altered.  Characters can switch genders.  Your story can move from modern day to the 1970’s.  You can go from a third person to first person narrator.

Being an author means living in a paradox in which you create a world that feels real but everything is open to a total overhaul. 

Here are some suggestions as to how we keep a story fluid in our minds:

1)    Just accepting that the story can change.  At some point after college I came to realize that when I showed people my writing there was a very good chance they would give suggestions that would require me to take out entire characters or chapters.  Once I started going to workshops with this attitude it became much easier to implement massive changes.

2)    Outlines can help as long as you don’t overuse them.  Outline the story you currently have in lower case and note changes throughout in all caps so you can see where they are being implemented. This will make it easier to track the changes and how they affect the rest of the tale.   

3)    Look for places in your story that you already know are weak.  These are places where you can bring in characters/scenes/story elements that your readers believe need to be added. 

4)    An oldie but a goodie: Take a week or two to work on other projects.  When you come back you might not be so close to your world and become more open to major alterations.

5)    View your plot elements and characters as puzzle pieces.  This may sound cold hearted but this will make it easier to move various aspects of the story around.  Instead of being overwhelmed by the number of changes you need to make you can just say, “Well I can move the scene in the cabin to before they go to the hardware store and then we can skip this unnecessary scene.”

6)    Never forget, you are lord and master over this world (let’s face it, most novelists have God complexes).  If something needs to be changed, you can make those changes. 

And never forget, you are a writer because you love writing so realizing that you are going to need to re-write major portions of your story only means that you get to do even more of what you love.   

Saturday, April 22, 2017

12 Strategies to Find Time To Write Your Novel

Since we’ve nearly reached May and summer isn’t that far off (a time when our schedules fill up with cookouts, road trips and family obligations) I thought I would write a post on techniques that can be used to find time to write.  I used most of these back when I had a job in the financial industry.  

1)    Keep a Record of How You Spend Your Time: For two weeks keep a journal in which you record how you spend your time in fifteen-minute increments.  When you’re done you’ll probably find one or two things you can live without. This will help you find an hour or two every day that you can devote to writing. 

2)    Record How Much Time You Spend Writing: While I’m writing or editing I literally have a stopwatch going on my computer.  When I stop to take a Facebook or Netflix break I stop the stopwatch.  The stopwatch only goes while I am actually writing.  This way I get a realistic sense of how much time I write every day. I even keep an Excel spreadsheet in which I record my daily times. That way I can track when I’m doing well and when I need to give myself a firm kick in the ass.

3)    Stop watching TV! Or at least bring it down to an hour a day (at most).  This also goes for hours spent watching Internet videos and punishing yourself by reading online comments.  I don’t mean to sound like your agitated grandfather but many of us waste years of our lives focused on entertainment we don’t even enjoy.  We live in the binge-watching era but we also live in an era where we can choose to watch whatever we want whenever we want to.  If there’s a show you’re addicted to save it for when you’re cooking, cleaning or folding laundry.  I appreciate how much we need some time to unwind at the end of the day but in the long run we feel better when we spend time on our art.

4)    Listen to Books on CD. One of the big advices given to aspiring writers is to constantly read.  Obviously this can be difficult for people who aren’t already filling up their schedules by writing novels or short stories.  Your public library is filled with great books on CD that you can listen to in the car.  I would suggest choosing books that may be more plot and character driven (The Song of Ice and Fire series, The Martian, most books by Stephen King, Joe Hill or Gillian Flynn).  Read the books that are more language driven.  My two favorite books to listen to on CD are Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell and World War Z.

5)     Tell people you are writing:  Be honest.  This shouldn’t be a secret.  There is nothing to be ashamed of.  Tell your friends and family that you are a writer.  Let them know that this is something important to you.  Ask for help in trying to find time.  I know that many of you might have friends and family who just don’t “get” that you are a writer.  Regardless, try to explain it to them.  They might surprise you.  If they aren’t supportive, don’t let that stop you.  They’re just coming from a different mindset.  That being said, when possible try to surround yourself with people who understand and share your passion. 

6)    Are you a night person or a morning person?  I know that the our mothers tell us to get a goodnight sleep, but you may be one of those people whose schedule is so filled up the only time you can spend writing is when you would otherwise be asleep.  So, if possible, try to get away with one less hour of sleep.  Set your alarm an hour and fifteen minutes earlier (the fifteen minutes are to make sure you are awake) OR have a bit of caffeine around dinner to help you stay up an extra hour.  If you don’t know if you work best in the early morning or late at night, experiment and see what you find. 

7)    Writing at work.  I wouldn’t recommend this for air traffic controllers, however if you have a basic office job, you will probably be able to find time to at least get some brainstorming done.  Writing out full chapters may not be realistic, but if you use outlines you can at least steal five or ten minutes hear or there to jot down thoughts about your next chapter or story.  That way when you do have a larger chunk of time you’ll use it as effectively as possible.  Unless you have a super cool boss I wouldn’t recommend keeping any of these notes on a company computer.  Just use pen and scraps of paper.  

8)    Lunch Breaks: If you have a lunch break that lasts forty-five minutes to an hour, that’s a good chunk of time that can be spent writing.  Find a place to hole away with your lunch (I often used my car) and eat while writing.  I know that lunch is the time in the middle of the day to unwind, but you may feel more energized if you spend the time doing something you love.  

9)    Keep your goals realistic.  I, more than anyone else, would love to be able to spend eight hours a day writing, but that just doesn’t happen (at least not often).  If you set your goals too high you will end up crushed by disappointment.  If you’re just starting out and have a super busy schedule I’d say aim for an hour a day.  That’s a solid hour in which you’re not doing anything but writing.  Writing an hour a day along with scraps of time here or there to jot down notes will mean that you could write the first draft of a novel in a matter of months. 

10)  Write Daily:  Okay, I know that not everyone can write EVERY day (although I am that guy who gets up extra early on Christmas morning to edit because I know I won’t have the time later on).  However, try to write most days.  Even if you slack off for two or three days you’ll lose momentum and start second-guessing yourself.  It doesn’t take long to lose interest in your story and forget to pick up your pen again. 

11)  Reward Yourself: I know that following your passion is its own reward.  However, it never hurts to have something to look forward to.  “Okay I won’t watch a second of television until my stop watch hits sixty minutes.”  Or  “As soon as I’m done editing this chapter I’ll ­­­­eat some (Insert your favorite food here).”  Very often you’ll get so caught up with your story you’ll keep going even after you’ve reached the point where you now deserve the reward.  Never forget, sitting down to write is always harder than actually writing. 

And Finally….

12)  There will NEVER be a perfect time to write: There will always be school or a day job or kids or house repairs or a dog who is allergic to the rug but can’t stop licking it (or all of the above).  We will never have perfect stretches of time to write our novels.  Yes this goes for teachers on summer vacation because those two months will be filled with all of the other things that they put off throughout the year. 

In fact, you don’t want a perfectly free schedule.  Days in which you have nothing to do but write are usually spent waking up late, watching an episode of The Daily Show online, chatting with people on Facebook, doing the laundry, eating lunch, watching a funny cat video…. and oh shit! It’s four in the afternoon, you haven’t written a word and you’re meeting up with friends in half an hour.  

That’s one thing I like about having a job in the evenings. I only have so much time to get done what I needed to get done before I have to go to work.  Writing in limited slots of time motivates me to get my work done as quickly and effectively as possible, rather than eventually getting to them on a lazy Sunday.  Not to get too meta but I wrote this blog in a library while waiting for my wife who will probably come back in an hour.

We all have insanely busy schedules (unless you inherited a large fortune and there’s no one forcing you to work…in which case please adopt me) but if we step back and analyze our schedules we will most likely find chunks of time in which to pursue our art.  In fact, our busy schedules have potential to push us so that we are even more productive and meet our full potential.