In one instant I became the second most important thing in my whole life.
“Well?” my wife asked. “Aren’t you gonna say something?”
“Am I the father?” I blurted out.
Her glass of ice water splashed my face. “How can you even ask that?” She snapped. “What kind of insensitive jerk are you?”
I became painfully aware that patrons and waitresses throughout the diner were staring at us.
“Sorry. I’m sorry!” I spluttered wiping my face. “I didn’t mean that. I know I’m the father. I just got excited.”
“Isn’t there something else you want to tell me?”
“I love you.”
“And I love this baby. I’m going to be the best dad ever, I swear.”
She stared down at her lap. “We need to talk about the future.”
“We’ll sell the apartment. I’ll find a house in the suburbs with a great neighborhood and a fantastic school system. When that baby arrives in nine months-.”
“It’ll be here in six weeks.”
“Wait, what? How long have you been pregnant?”
“Less than a month. As for moving, we’ll have to go somewhere isolated. There can’t be any neighbors. It would be best if the house had a really deep basement where the baby can dig tunnels and hunt rats when it gets hungry.”
“Honey! Stop that! Why are you talking about our baby like this?”
“Because children in our family always take after their mother.”